I know it's a bit childish. And I know it's not the most mature thing to do, but I had to do it.

I saw you everywhere. And as much as I tried to avoid it, I was constantly irked by my mistake and my sudden judgments.

I'm sorry.

I don't know if it's right of me to apologize. I don't really know what happened. But either way, I'm sorry. (If you still know me, you know that I apologize for anything and everything.)

It's hard for me to move on in life wondering where and what you're doing. Not in a stalker-ish way, of course. But more of a friend way. Because honestly, you were one of my best friends that I've had in life. And yeah, I miss it. But what can I do about it now? I guess it's karma. I've been known to be the person who does not keep in contact with others. They keep in contact with me. And it's a struggle that I've been dealing with for my entire life.

I don't really know what to say. I'm taking this one small, idiotic step to help myself mentally. Because without you, I'm extremely lost. It's like you're here, but you aren't. And I always tell myself that I know you. Your way of avoiding people that have hurt you or bothered you in the past. And sadly, I never thought I'd be on the opposite end of it all. But here I am. And as much as I want to think that you'll change and turn it around, I have a feeling I'll be stuck where I am for an eternity. And it's a pretty strong feeling.

I just really don't like this constant pondering in my life. The constant reminders. But frankly, everything I own reminds me if you. And I can't avoid that. But there are some things that hold stronger impacts than others. So I will have to deal for now.

Overall, have a good life. Although it was rough, I still care for you. I wish you the best in everything. Don'tget screwed up too much.

Be safe.

You've made a difference in a lot of lives and you should be proud of all of the positive changes you've caused.

Hopefully, this is my final goodbye.


Potato.


- Tiffany Nguyen 

So I've noticed something. And it hasn't only been recent. But something that I've been going through since I was much younger. Child years, we could say. And the thing I've noticed is, I can't seem to keep strong relations with the same group of friends. It's not that I can't persay, but more like I don't. It isn't intentional. I don't tell myself, "Okay, two years is up. We don't hang out often enough. Our time is up." It just works itself out that way.

Am I the only one? Am I the antagonist of this story? Is the person who doesn't make a move the evil villain here? Or is it the person who did not realize the lack of communication to begin with? Is the person who wants to say, "Hello" but doesn't the one at fault?

I've been beating myself up over this. And I know I should just take action and take the first step. But my mind plays around with me. My self conscience. The little devil on my shoulder tells me, "They don't even bother to contact you, so why try and talk to them?"

But isn't that their situation too?

I tell myself that I need to get out more. And I do. I meet new people. I talk to these people. I hang out and enjoy myself with these people. But is my way of finding new groups of people and pushing away old ones a bad trait? Stating it this way seems so. It definitely does. But I've done it for so long, I don't see the bad in it.

This reminds me of an old song I learned in my music class during Elementary school years. It went: "Make new friends, but keep the old ones. One is silver, and the other gold." Who would have thought that I'd start thinking of this song again. My memory surprises me at times.
Well, I'll be going home from a little over a week. June 23rd-July2nd. I guess we'll see where I go from there.

I had a really happy dream last night. Before my head hit the pillow, I enjoyed my night with the guys at the end of hall. We played Mario Kart on our Nintendo DS's. After preparing for bed, I knocked out peacefully. I woke up this morning after I dreamed about being accepted again. I heard those comforting words.

I miss you.

It makes me sad to say that I awoke from this pleasant dream. Only to be confronted by my morning alarm clock telling me to get up out of bed.

Work: Training.

8:00am-5:00pm.

This week and next week.

There go my dreams.

I've had a lot of free time recently. Well, maybe not free. But time that I've nothing to do. And for me, when i am stuck in moments of boredom I tend to think about my life. I reflect on it. I define it. I reorganize. I try to understand it. And I also begin to regret it.

Why do I have such difficulties keeping relationships? How do I build up this part of myself? How do I strengthen it to my benefit?

There I go again. Me, me, me.

I remember long ago when someone asked me, "Is it at all possible for a person to be completely self-less?" And my automatic response was yes. It is possible. But thinking back on that question, I may have changed my mind.

My thoughts are really jumbled. I have not organized it. In order to organize, I have to think about all the events. One by one. Two by two. I have to lay everything out before I can reshift it all and understand what leads to what.

I'm confused. I don't get it. I'm lost.

I'm typing what my mind touches upon. My head is spinning. My temples are pounding. And I listen to the tap-tap-tapping of the keys on my laptop. The fans of my lapcool aren't silent. I can hear noises. And my brain continues to be in the state of pain.

What do I think about? What can I think about? What should I think about?

Even further, who do I talk to?

Yesterday while on the track for Relay for Life, I was alone and left to my twisted thoughts. I really needed to talk to somebody. But I had come to a point where I felt that I had no one to talk to. I flipped through my cell phone contacts. Sure, I had names listed. A's, B's, C's, etc. But as I passed through the names, I realized that many of them were those I felt I couldn't express my feelings to. It was either too awkward, too inappropriate, or just not the right time. When I came across a few names I felt comfortable with, I pressed "send." However, I was redirected to the voice message system.

Rejected.

I need to find someone I can talk to without feeling like I'm being an annoyance.

I need some sort of relief.

I need a break from this. Or at least a bridge to cross.

It seems like everything is rushing all at once. I feel as if I don't have the time to complete all my my tasks. All of my duties. All of my responsibilities. And you know what? It sucks. Because I am no longer the person I was. I am not the same Tiffany that I was back in my senior year of high school. Who would have thought that it would be so different? I thought, 'hey. I did it before, why can't I do it again?' Guess what, it's not as I had hoped.

I have so many obligations that I put upon myself that I wish I hadn't. I put so many pressures on myself. And now, I am at a point where I am over thinking every detail in my life. Do I have the time? Why am I not on top of things like I used to be? Is it because I'm lazy? Why am I so lost? What is going on with me this semester? I keep changing my mind. I'm constantly being indecisive.

Why can't I choose something? Why does it take me so long to finally make decisions?

It's hard to believe that I will be finished with my freshman year of college in a matter of weeks. It's hard to believe that I have so much to study for, so much to prepare, and so much to think about.

I need motivation.

I need a push.

But I seem to ignore everything around me. Procrastination has become a part of me. In ways that it shouldn't.

People say to me that they are amazed at how I deal with such hardships, yet keep my composure. What they don't know is that it isn't necessarily dealing with my problems, but it is more like putting it aside. And honestly, that is not the way to go.

You don't know how many times I've told myself, "I need to do this, I need to do that, I will do it later today." As much as I remind myself. It never happens. As much as I try to organize my life, it seems to fall apart.

How do I get myself to change this part of me? How do I become a more timely person?

Aside from this, I've been thinking of everything in my life. And you know what else I've come to realize in just this past couple of weeks? I want to talk to him. Yeah. Him. But at the same time, I don't know if it's a good idea. I don't want to cause trouble. I don't want to stir up any unnecessary moments. I wrote a letter in my South Asian class to this person, since the class was extremely boring. But you know what I did once I reached half of the page (single-spaced, tiny writing)? I erased it, line-by-line.

"Should I send it?"

"Should I bother?"

"Should I just leave him alone and never talk to him again?"

My life is always full of "Should I" questions. And I hate it.

I honestly don't know. But I do know that an important date is coming up. And it is only right to call and wish a happy birthday. Because I have received so much in the past, for which I am truly grateful. I've kept it all. I haven't tossed any of it out. If I were to rid of everything that represents a momento, my entire half of the dorm would become obsolete. This is not an exaggeration.

Is it right? Is it okay? Will I receive the same response that I've been getting the past few times I attempted a conversation?

I sure hope not.

Because those responses are what made me slightly off balance today.

And because I am a loser who over thinks my situations. Unsure of what the outcome would be. And making it worse than it really would be.


This sucks.

So everything seems to be crashing down on me this week. And just this week in particular. I thought that once my midterms were over, everything would start to flow a lot easier. I was definitely proved wrong. My midterms did not go as well as I hoped. But that's my fault. I haven't been able to attend the committee meetings for Circle K as I originally planned because I had to work. I was late for work yesterday because I had stayed up until 4am working on an essay that was due in less than 12 hours. Thus only getting 3 hours of sleep. It's been crazy. Although I slept a total of 10 hours last night, I still feel extremely exhausted. Everything is rushing at me at once. I feel stressed out beyond belief. I know I should handle my problems. I know I need to take action. But a part of me just can't get myself to do it. This rejected feeling is horrible. This failure. This stress. I know I've overcome a lot in life. But I feel like, none of it is beneficial at this point.

I don't know what to do.

My past is haunting me.

I don't know who to talk to about my problems, without being bothersome.


Fuck my life.

So my Friday night/Saturday was not as bad as I assumed it would be. I ended up studying for 3 hours on Friday. Finished my Psych and started my Astro. Pretty successful, I must say. After the three hours in the academic center, I called it a night and packed my things up.

Kathleen and I picked up our "kids" that we were hosting for the night. They were really nice :]. Too bad I didn't really get to hang out or talk to them as much. We showed them our dorm, let them drop their things off, then took them to their general sessions. Kathleen, Matt, his friend Eunice, and I went to Berkel Berkel for dinner. But I got mine to-go and met up with Yishi to watch Sweeney Todd. Once you watch that move the second time, everything seems to make so much more sense. The opening had so much more significance than the first time I saw the movie back home over winter break. Anyways, Yishi invited me over to his dorm to visit some people on his floor that I know. I still think it's crazy how I know three other people from his floor alone. What are the odds of that? Anyhow, it was a fun night. Thanks guys :].

Got back to my dorm at around 1am. I expected to find Kathleen and our kiddos sleeping in the room. As I opened the door, I noticed that the lights in the room were off. So I tried to sneak in quietly. But the floor was empty and Kathleen's bed held no person. Where could they be? I automatically made my way up to Matt's room. Yupp. They were playing guitar hero.

I didn't sleep until nearly 2am. Stupid me. I couldn't fall into full sleep until 3am, and I had to wake up at 6am. Duty calls.

Cal Day. I was pretty sad about missing the event. Reading the program and noticing that I had missed all of the events both this year and last year was depressing. But I had quite an interesting time with my co-worker. It was a long day. It was HOT (yeah. it was totally unexpected. Where the heck did this 80 degree weather come from). And I was running on 3 hours of sleep, an herbal energy drink, and lots of water.

What did I do when I got back to my dorm? Shower and sleep for three hours. Oh bliss.

I didn't study yet. I couldn't study. And I don't know if I'm in the right mind to study.

The story of my life.

So lately, it seems as if everything is hitting me all at once. I'm not quite sure if it's good, bad, or somewhere in between. I just know that my shoulders have been significantly weighed down. And no, it's not due to gravity.

I should be studying at this moment and time. I have three midterms all taking place on Tuesday. This is something that gives me that pained feeling. Four straight hours. Three midterms. Psychology, Astronomy, Math. Sure, it may sound somewhat simple compared to the SATs. But this is definitely not the SAT. So far I've completed 5 out of 6 study guides for Psychology, which I still need to review. I have yet to begin my studying for Astronomy. And I treat my Math practice midterm as the plague. However, today is Friday. I have four days until my death day. Shit.

And to make matters worse, my subconscious seemed to have made all of the wrongly timed decisions for me.

I signed up to be a host for prospective students tonight and Monday night. This is where you let high school seniors crash in our dorm. It sounds easy enough, but I should at least entertain them somewhat right? And what does that mean? A cut from my studying time.

I also have a job working as a Special Events Attendant. Tomorrow is Cal Day. And I have a mandatory shift from 6:45am to 3:00pm. Yes, that's right. I have been cursed.

I know that I shouldn't really be complaining. After all, I brought this pain upon myself. Everyone needs challenges at some points in their life, right? (That's what I'm trying to tell myself anyway). But please do not be surprised if my hair falls out or I exit my final midterm looking like a newly admitted patient of an insane asylum.

Also, this isn't even the half of my worries. I just recently turned in my Literature Review paper for History. This assignment is the reason for my new record breaking studying-at-library time: 9 hours. And I'm not exaggerating. I entered the library at 5:00pm. I exited the library at 2:00am. And that was only because the library was closing and everyone was getting kicked out. If I could have stayed an extra hour to finish the final details of my paper, I would have.

Aside for schooling, everyone has been running around like little freaked out ants. Why? It's apartment hunting time. And everyone's out there. Oh the pain.

So if you can't tell, I'm a tad bit stressed out at the moment. A lot has been going on in my life. My family continues to finds ways to talk me into returning home. But I finally told them that it's my life, don't bother me. Hopefully that makes them stop. Because they're just adding to the mountainous stress I've already accumulated.

Nerd Break : I've been studying stress in Psychology. And I learned that stress releases [something with a long complicated name] which inhibits the growth hormone. And you know what I automatically thought? My short factor is all due to the actions of my family. Trust me. I've gone through a lot of stress in my lifetime.
Thanks family. You are the reason for my height, or lack thereof.

Well, I should get started on studying. Yes. It's all I do.